i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's like heaven, but drunker
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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