Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
