If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
