he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish you could order shots online.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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