my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
