I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Everclear isn't food dammit
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
