Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
