Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
