I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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