you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
