please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
