fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
