I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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