he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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