I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
there was a trapeze. enough said
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
