Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
