i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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