At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
