This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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