hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The struggles of a small town man whore
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
