I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
