There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize