My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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