I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
