we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
