I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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