I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
