I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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