is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
