I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
