the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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