There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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