Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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