I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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