I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I look better un-naked...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
