Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize