Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
