Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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