i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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