I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize