I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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