Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize