i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
