Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
