Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
