Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize