I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
me + whiskey = a bad person
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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