tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
