we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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