I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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