You're my little dorito
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
