wat bout pragnant strippers??
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
