so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
