A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
