Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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