btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and she was petting her beer can
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
