i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
