It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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