Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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