would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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